Guest Blog from Girlonthenet, our favourite sex blogger EVER!
Whenever people ask me what my hobbies are, shortly after I say 'reading' I have to pause. I love reading, don't get me wrong, but my actual favourite hobby is sex.
And for 'sex' here, I don't just mean 'train goes in tunnel, then everyone falls asleep afterwards' – I mean anything that gives me those sexy shivers. That kick in the gut of pure lust when someone you fancy suggests something surprising, and it's all you can do not to tear off their clothes right there and shout 'Oh my GOD please please DO IT.'
I don't think we give sex enough credit for how important it can be to people. Sure, some people might not be keen, or might only fancy it occasionally, and that's fine: to each their own and all that. But the way we talk about sex often degrades it to something that isn't just dirty, it's unnecessary: sex is love's poor relation. If you broke up with a partner because you didn't love them, people would sympathise and say 'ah, that sucks.' If you broke up with them because you loved them but the sex wasn't satisfying you, you'd probably get a few looks of confusion and judgment.
This attitude, combined with our unwillingness to talk about sexual things (tee hee, it's dirty), means that people who aren't having their sexual needs met are often ignored. Nowhere is this more apparent than the intersection between sex and disability.
One of the first guest blogs I ever posted over on my sex blog was from a writer who had me in stitches with her response to intrusive questions around sex (that link takes you to the full article on her blog, and it's well worth a read). She's paraplegic, and gets really hacked off with people asking her: “Can you still... you know?” It's rude enough to ask this question to a total stranger, but I know it doesn't stop there. Other guest bloggers have written about how people assume that you can't be kinky if you're disabled (why???) and one who wrote that her partner felt uncomfortable going out with her if she was using her wheelchair.
Society has a really fucked-up way of addressing sex and disability, in that it usually doesn't, viewing people as either sexless or objects of curiosity. I think one of the reasons for this is that sex is embarrassing, and if we combine it with the weird idea that sex isn't important, we get to a horrible place. One in which people's sexual needs are placed so far down the scale that they almost fall off the bottom of it.
Fair enough, sex is not as vital as food and shelter, but for those of us who love it, sex is incredibly important to our mental and physical well-being. Whether that's sex with a partner (by however you define sex – anything squishy and fun falls into that category for me) or sex with yourself (wanking being, of course, one of the best free ways to have fun).
That's why people like Emily, who runs this site, are total heroes. Not only does she have an excellent grasp on kink, exploration, and all the toys and gadgets that can help get people off, she also understands why sex is so important. It might be my favourite hobby, but sex is never 'just' a hobby: it's something that brings you closer to a partner, something you can enjoy on your own to keep you warm and horny in winter, and something that gives you a mental boost as well as a physical one.
Luckily for us, we live in the future, which means that alongside increased awareness of why sex is important, and people becoming more open about talking about it, we also get new toys and tech to help us explore the best kind of sex. From Liberator sex wedges (which help you get into trickier positions) to the Doxy massager (a toy so powerful you can have a hands-free orgasm just by grinding against it), we basically live in a Willy Wonka factory of shagging.
Which brings me neatly on to the solution for our sex-based issues: we need to talk. Like the old BT adverts in which Bob Hoskins would nag you to phone your Mum, consider me Bob Hoskins encouraging you to talk about sex more. To your partners, to friends, to people who might want tips and advice. Maybe not to those who ask intrusive questions (may I recommend the words 'off' and 'fuck', but not necessarily in that order?), but to people who might otherwise shy away from sex as embarrassing, let's invite them in to a world where we can celebrate our unique sexualities and individual needs. Let's stick two fingers up to people who would patronise or ignore disabled people's sexuality out of a misplaced sense of awkwardness and a fear of acknowledging sex or kink.
Because sex is my favourite hobby, and it may well be yours. And in our club, everyone should be welcome.